Lebarcham (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} kirili) wrote,@ 2007-07-31 12:54:00 |
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I'm not sure what I expected from myself when I lugged arse and a laptop to this place, but if efficiency and productivity was it, then I must be sorely disappointed. Which I am. So good, we understand myself.
Well, perhaps I tell a lie. What I wanted was for me to be able to Whizz Through things and write eloquent, grade-grabbing essays that would drive my professors and examiners to tears and me into UCL.
Sadly, I am still a fat slob with, quite possibly, much less potential than she is told she has, and also the attention span of... something with a short attention span. I would challenge a goldfish, I would, but I would never truly be able to reconcile myself to the fact that the goldfish might just... have a different way of expressing its twitchiness and... moving on. Can't seem to sustain the thread of thoughtliness.
And also, also, also. I have this terrible fear that I am being uselessly used by a German. Some part of me is quite alright with that... after all, it means I'm useful to SOMEBODY, even an arsewipe. But I am irked. IRKED. And a little glad to be irked.
School starts in three weeks. I have a year of Physics, a year of French and a year of History to hack through before that time. And three pieces of coursework.
Now, any blithering fool amongst the... none that are reading this... could point out that that is plenty of time, you whiny bitch. But I appear to have two, contradicting, and perhaps even instinctual reactions to the time frame: HOMG PROCRASTINATION TIME and I'M GOING TO FAIL AND DIE A HERMIT.
Currently I'm on the former. But my shoulders are on the latter and I have a tension headache, so... I guess my head is on the latter too. My... nose. It is comfortable, if a little cold.
Oh, also! I have lost weight. Not a significant amount of weight. I don't look any more enticing, no. Which is telling quite a depressing tale in and of itself, no?
It would be fabulous if I could concentrate on writing my Extended Essay, but I cannot even seem to figure out if I, myself, am an emotional individual who reacts with that emotion to social injustices and, by that merit, and somewhat Deep. A part of me CLINGS to that hope like a batter to his testicles if he has forgotten his cup, but it is quite possibly untrue. Untrue that I am that moved. But not untrue that BEING that moved displays a deep sense of Humanitiness.
I... don't want to go back to school. Social circles fill me with Dread.
But I will go and bother the counselor.
